Having a random hookup so left but love u
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
