I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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