I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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