If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
