he thought i was a dude.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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