I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
