The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
