Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
