We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
