ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
