Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
