How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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