Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
