That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
