I met the friendliest cop last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
