I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
