Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
