I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize