Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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