Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
