I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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