Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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