Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just found a bag of teeth...
The air was thick with penises
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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