Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
