i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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