I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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