this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
