i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize