im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
