I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
