singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
