Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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