Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
as a side note pls kill me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
