In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
