i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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