I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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