y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
