wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
