i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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