why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
