I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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