Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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