Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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