i can't believe i had my finger in that
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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