my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
