Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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