I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
