is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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