you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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