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this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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