Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
