neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
