don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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