She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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