i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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