White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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