The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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