I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
