I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize